BiPolar Good Stigma Bad
Mental Health Memoir by former Solicitor Chris Wainwright
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4.DIAGNOSED LIKE A SHOT
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+ RETURN to WAINWRIGHTS FOOTWEAR SPECIALISTS
I returned to our family business expecting to start feeling better but nothing had changed. I once had to walk away from customers I was serving. I may have had some sort of panic attack but I shouldn’t really have been working. It was an attempt to get myself back in the saddle. I kept worrying about how I’d explain my situation to people I knew. I’d been saying that selling footwear appealed more than the law but I don’t think it convinced anyone. I’d been told by a senior member of our staff that everyone was pleased I was back except for my brother. I dismissed it as stirring. Eight years my younger we’d always been opposites. Not one for the shop floor David preferred working on his own. Against dads wishes he joined the business straight from school without university or other outside experience. Not getting a degree was a mistake. I was still so badly depressed I went privately to a psychiatrist in Amersham but that didn’t help. I’d battled the depression for a couple of years and it was obvious that I was struggling. I was good at pretending to be happy when I was far from it but it’s a strain which needs proper help.
LET DOWN BY MY DOCTORS I TOOK OUT MY GUN
I became seriously suicidal and drove off for a “trial run” with one of my guns. I look back at it as an experiment to see how far I’d go. I hadn’t quite hit rock bottom or was I kidding myself? Sitting in the car and at the ready served to focus my mind. I heard some dreadful news about a talented sportsman who took his own life. He’d been plagued for years by recurring depressions. People sometimes call suicide selfish but they won’t have experienced unremitting chronic depression. That unfortunate but extremely brave man will have been in deep despair and completely given up hope of recovery. Anyone with the slightest compassion will understand. Could that tragedy have been prevented? Anyone having suicidal thoughts must never stop believing that they will definitely get better however bad they feel at the time. The very worst feelings will always pass.
DIAGNOSED WITH BIPOLAR 1
The day after my experiment I was in a terrible state. I wouldn’t move from my bed. I heard GPM tell my wife that they’d call in the experts. I remember thinking they’d already done that! I attended the Warneford Hospital Oxford mental health department. They were a revelation. I knew immediately I was in the hands of specialists. They told me I had a manic depressive illness and could immediately start on medication to control and stabilise it. I was delighted and knew my parents would be too. On the phone however dad couldn’t help himself and exclaimed, ''for christs sake boy you wanna keep that quiet''. That was a shock but he knew he’d said the wrong thing and never repeated it. My treatment at the Warneford was a terrific success. Only a few weeks later I was back to my old self. Why did Dr S and my GPs not refer me in the first place? I'd been a successful achiever who suddenly became a shadow of his former self. Wasn’t that enough of a clue for them? What I didn’t know of course was that they already did know what was wrong with me! They’d got away with leaving it to a hospital psychiatrist to break the news. Once on lithium and antidepressants I began to get my life back. No more life-stopping depressions. I was told I was an ‘average’ bipolar type 1 having had a single manic episode. Mania itself causes great embarrassment because you’ll tear around like a mad thing doing anything you like however inappropriate. Depression on the other hand can kill you, but won’t get you into trouble because you’re so down and unlikely to leave the house. Life comes to a stop with deep depression. Even your favourite activities have no appeal. You don’t want to do anything. Even sex becomes take it or leave it. If you think it’s a matter of will-power then think again. Just as we can’t stop feelings of fear, joy and grief it’s the same with deep depression. You must be patient, obtain expert treatment, do what you are able to and wait for the illness to pass. Happily my hereditary mood fault is now controlled by lithium and antidepressants. Thanks to the ‘magic’ properties of lithium I don’t suffer the extreme9 high or low mood swings. I’m extremely thankful for that!
I’d always intended to visit my friends in France and the Army but I’d been through 17 years of life-shattering trauma. During that ‘untreated’ time I couldn’t have faced up to seeing them. Now on meds I was able to talk and behave confidently again just as I did when I last saw them. I still had reservations about meeting up and going into details but it would have been easier resuming my solicitor’s career even if stigma would put employers off.
From time to time I thought about my French wine importing plans as Bob Laithwaite was doing with Bordeaux Direct. In the circumstances I decided to stay where I was. At that point David and I worked well together at Risborough. Dad said we had a good business between us. At my suggestion we called ourselves ‘Wainwrights Footwear Specialists’. We needed to adapt the business and were it not for the spanner in the works we could’ve opened a specialist store in High Wycombe.
I RESCUED OUR BEACONSFIELD SHOE SHOP
Just before my diagnosis I’d been working with father, brother and a large experienced staff at Princes Risborough. With the three of us together the shop ran like clockwork and customers had a truly unbeatable service. Dad however dropped a bombshell. He announced that he was on the point of surrendering the Beaconsfield lease and closing the shop. Following uncle Dereks retirement the branch had been run by his manager but sales had long been in decline despite the double unit store being in an excellent position. For years Dad and David couldn’t work out what was wrong. I’d worked at the branch when I’d been ill but barely able to function. The thinking was that I could ‘work’ myself better but it was the wrong thing to do. Now I’d recovered I remembered my uncles remarks on his retirement and I was familiar with the shops history. Dad asked me to meet the manager and see if I could find anything wrong.
During our first meeting I soon found some obvious problems which the manager promised to put right. The following week however little if anything had been done. We therefore agreed on the jobs to be carried out but again nothing had been done. David and I met him for a progress review and we all agreed that the branch should run to the same standards as Princes Risborough and Great Missenden.
The next day I was on holiday but apparently the manager simply handed in his resignation and Dad told me to manage the store myself. Unbelievably it went straight back into profit. It was lucky for Wainwright & Sons that my bipolar was now medicated and free from crippling depressions. Commonsense told me the store wasn’t being run properly but this was worse than I'd imagined. Dad said he didn’t know how I’d done it but he knew the problem all along. The manager had been fooling around with the staff, ignoring customers and generally running the business down. How on earth could my brother not have noticed? He’d been working there regularly. Most ‘absentee’ retailers send in ‘spies’ to check on their stores! Dad didn’t need to because my brother was there. Neither of them ever acknowledged their failure. David it seems was on the pedestal now and could do no wrong
Getting Beaconsfield back into shape wasn’t the easiest of tasks. There was a bad atmosphere initially and some difficult staff who wanted to do as they pleased. Customers told me the branch had a bad reputation but I assured them I’d put things right. I was surprised at the end of the week that takings had increased considerably. After my first year turnover was up by almost 70% (£350,000 approx). Since Dereks retirement the store lost an estimated two million pounds! If my pre-diagnosis illness hadn’t forced me back dad would’ve sold the business and wouldn’t have been able to buy the freehold shop and flat which came up for offer. The maxwell road property became a highly profitable investment held in trust for us four children who also received Wainwright & Sons rent
In my youth dad was quite particular with his staff. Turnover was always on the up and growth was comparatively easy. The Princes Risborough shop was sizeable with lots of room for expansion and little competition. I think dad thought he was set up for life. In my successful pre-bipolar years I was a sales aid for him but when bipolar struck I was no longer a topic of conversation. I don’t know how he managed to deal with the ‘elephant’. I couldn’t have done it. Mum was more resilient. As a young girl in wartime Singapore with her mum, brother and sister she’d escaped the invading enemy Japanese only to be evacuated from London on her own to Kettering. Unwanted by the couple and fed a diet of swede she had to be tough. The story of the thousands of childhood evacuees has still not been truthfully televised.
Dad was pleased for once that the Beaconsfield shop was back in profit. My success however didn’t suit David. His resentment or more accurately jealousy became all the more apparent. Common enough in families I could hardly have expected it from a grown man in our own family business! The immediate increase in takings and his own longstanding failure to resolve the Beaconsfield problem left him feeling inadequate. He let the shop come close to collapsing right under his nose but I never criticized him or boasted. I’d learnt that teamwork is teamwork whenever people are together. I don’t think my brother understood about the I.
Honest to a fault I told dad that the psychiatrist called bipolar a ‘severe’ mental illness. He never forgot that but paradoxically he knew I’d sort things out at Beaconsfield. I had more experience managing people. David on the other hand was happier working on his own while dad never wanted to upset anyone. It worried me that he allowed my brother to attempt to build a computerized stock control system for the business in place of our manual system. I wasn’t at all in favour and made it clear. It was far too much to take on for a business of our size.
Stock systems could be purchased but David liked gadgets and wasn’t happy that I disagreed with him. On completion he hoped to sell his system to other shoe retailers, but that was not realistic. Our priority should’ve been selling footwear. Missenden was crying out to be updated with a better outlet at Wendover or Amersham; our customer service needed a thorough overhaul; instead David wasted years on what I thought to be his hobby. It was a bad decision for which they were both to blame. Despite their experience they hadn’t been able to manage the Beaconsfield store! It seemed to me that I was the only one with any sense of how to manage staff. Dad was ok at Princes Risborough but he never spent time at the other shops. If you want to succeed in retail you must know your staff. Just before I left David bragged how much they liked him!
While I was bringing Beaconsfield back up to speed the chip on my brothers shoulder became increasingly obvious. Back at Princes Risborough one day a customer saw me and exclaimed how much she’d missed me and hoped I was going to stay! No sooner had she spoken David lost control and shouted out, "what’s wrong with me?". Mrs B began to apologise until I stepped in to calm the situation. His outburst said everything! A university degree or perhaps some good quality gap year work experience would’ve helped his confidence. It was obvious that my presence at Wainwrights was a thorn in his side. It was another example of dad lacking the experience to know what to do. Following his example I was entertainer and could make people laugh. As a teenager I always had something to talk about whether it was France, the army, the law or and sport. David had been ok when I was subdued with depression but now I’d got my health back he could not overcome his inferiority. He never understood that It didn’t matter whatsoever that he couldn’t emulate dad and Kens sales banter because he was perfectly good enough with his own style. Our accountant noticed Davids problem and mentioned it to dad who for once came up with a solution if things got worse. The three of us agreed that if it did I’d be able to leave the company and establish a business of my own 'under the umbrella of Wainwrights’. That was a welcome reassurance for me after what I’d put up with. When it came to it however Dad and David refused to honour the agreement. I believed there was nothing I could do about it at the time because Dad was the majority shareholder and I couldn’t upset him. There was a long history of aggravation from David and there was no prospect of us working together anymore. I had to work at home and used emails to negotiate for a settlement with the company. With hindsight I should have stayed at Wainwrights and made life difficult but that wasn’t really me. Despite our ‘umbrella’ agreement I never received a salary or any financial contribution from Wainwrights Ltd whatsoever to build my new business! Morally Wainwrights owe me a fortune. I never involved any of the staff in what I now consider to be a scandal. Behaving fairly and respectfully got me absolutely nowhere. David and Alison however plus some of the Princes Risborough staff lost no time in bad-mouthing me.
Things got worse. Stephen, acting as broker, told me dad had made a ‘temporary’ will to protect David if he died before our negotiations were completed. What I didn’t know was that Dad had instructed R S, senior partner at my former employers, to draw up a ‘temporary will’ which even RS said was unfair. Mum agreed but it made no difference because it would upset dad. That will conflicted with our ‘umbrella agreement’. In fairness to me RS should not have accepted instructions. I wondered why he shot off when I pulled up in Chinnor to say hello! All the time I was working from home without funds trying to start a business which we could live off. The only choice I had was selling online on an eBay shop!
Stephen emailed me with his progress as broker. I was astonished to hear in 2009 that dad had gifted David my uncle Kens shares to make sure he didn’t lose control of the business if he passed on. Dad said that he couldn’t decide what to do about my settlement and wanted the four of us to reach an agreement. He was clear that he didn’t want Dave, Sandy and Stephen to be able to "gang up” on me. Stephen said that Alison did most of the talking but was ‘very’ blinkered with no interest in restoring family harmony. He also said that he wanted us all to get on afterwards but much depended on Alison. I’d seen Alison a number of times but barely knew her. I’m extremely unhappy about the part she played in what was always my leaving settlement in our family business. I think of her as a gold digger. I don’t believe any fair-minded person would disagree. The way I was treated by Wainwright & Sons and my brother and sister in law was scandalous. To leave me in this position where ‘there was nothing I could do about it’ was beyond belief
DRIVEN OUT OF WAINWRIGHTS
Maria and I were going to open a ladies shoe shop. I wish we’d been able to. My girls would’ve loved it. In the meantime our negotiations went on and on. I had no dealings with David whatsoever. He relied completely on dad until he died. Stephen should really have resigned as ‘broker’ because our interests were conflicting, while with hindsight Alison was gold digging again much as when she replaced her old boyfriend RC with David. I reminded Stephen I’d been forced to sell him my share of the trust property which should be taken into account (Dad had suggested Stephen bought my 25% share so I could fund my business. That was hardly fair! It was meant for our families NOT for settling Wainwrights liabilities.) There was so much going on behind my back I didn’t know the half of it. I’d lost both parents in the most miserable of circumstances and was thoroughly dejected. That wasn’t due to bipolar it was my grief and reaction to being stabbed in the back. They even began to call it my ‘predicament’.
It's way past time that I spoke up for myself but I don’t like having to. If you were in my shoes you’d probably feel the same.
In My Wainwrights Shoes Part 2
I’m sure that anyone diagnosed with bipolar 1 will suffer serious harm whether or not they stabilise the illness and live a normal life. In Part 2 of In My Wainwrights Shoes I’ll be talking more about about stigma and peoples attitudes to the illness. Right now in Part 1 I’ll continue by talking about my own experience and thoughts. For example it seemed that various people had written me off as broken beyond repair. Not just my former employers but pre-bipolar friends and teachers from Aylesbury Grammar School too. I was never a shrinking violet before bipolar struck and I’m pleased to say I’m not one now. I’m not hampered by shame anymore. If I was I wouldn’t be writing this. Stigma is the enemy. It’s no different to bullying and best made an example of by confrontation
any more than I have to. He has run me down since I first wrote to him when I decided to leave the business. He had been exploiting my sister Sandra hoping to make me look unreasonable. I’d had problems at the Beaconsfield shop with Woolworths lorries blocking our staff access. It was a simple matter which Woolworths agreed to see to but the Wincanton drivers refused to comply. RS was acting to obtain an injunction while I monitored the situation. Two of Woolworths staff and one of the drivers were angry. I had to stand up to them. Sandra disappointed me she should have known not to be lured in by David.
Stephen was a professional chartered accountant and had far more experience of how people should conduct themselves in family businesses like ours. I can understand that Stephen and I had conflicting interests and also that he was under considerable pressure from Dad, David and Alison. It was of no help to me that Dad depended on my antagonists. They falsely alleged that I left Wainwrights because I was ill with bipolar and that I’d been violent to Dad by hitting him in the face. They also said that I couldn’t have run Wainwrights and that I was useless with money! They did that behind my back so I had no opportunity to protest. This part of my memoir is to put that right and I think most people will understand why I have no contact at all with my siblings.
I remained a director of Wainwright & Sons until 2014.
NEGOTIATIONS
While all this was going on I needed a first class lawyer. I’d been hoping my former boss SG would act for me. His partner RS had drawn up dads ‘unfair’ will so wouldn’t agree. He also knew I had a mental illness when I resigned and didn’t want that brought into the equation. SG suggested my friend RH who I’d known for years but wasn’t the determined litigator that SG was. He agreed to take up my case at a ‘friends rate’ and soon arranged to meet a barrister in chambers. They were a let-down. Self-important they knew all about bipolar 'because a relation had it'. The inference was that my illness counted against me! Counsel dismissed claiming against my brother for his misconduct because the costs would be too high. She said the lawyers would all be buying 'new sets of ermine robes'. I never asked RH why he chose her! I didn’t criticize because of our friendship but I eventually reached the point where I had no choice. We’d discussed what would happen if we fell out but thought it unlikely. Sadly we learnt the hard way not to mix work and friendship. During the case R had also let slip some remarks which a friend would not make. Rather than back me he wanted to give in and save costs. He said that Wainwrights, "didn't have a bottomless pit of money" as if to devalue my case. He had also heard that people with bipolar only had basic jobs such as shop managers or train drivers. Demoralised I still had the worry about keeping my bipolar secret. In the circumstances I had to reluctantly accept dads ‘unfair’ will.
Six years later I asked RH for his old file but he refused and told me to do it myself. I found out that he’d made a mess of the storage process. It should have been preserved by Blaser Mills and Newman High Wycombe but they destroyed it without asking me. I asked the Law Society for assistance but they said it wasn’t their responsibility and that they wouldn’t be able to help My understanding of the law is that firms are required to retain files which related in any way to mental illness for the clients lifetime. Apparently the Law Society recommend their solicitor members do so but it’s not compulsory. I’d have expected better.
BIPOLAR IN OUR FAMILY BUSINESS
The nearest I got to running a business we could live off was with an eBay shop selling personalised gifts. I had to accept that I was up against a brick wall. With a lot of time and effort it was impossible to make anything but a loss. I’m careful with money and don't take holidays. I started writing this memoir over ten years ago but to make any worthwhile progress I had to close the shop. Research and writing are time-consuming but I’m determined to stop all the bipolar stigma.
Mum would be pleased. She never held the illness against me and had no illusions about David. I've hardly mentioned her up to now because dad made the important family decisions. Mum however was a better judge. When tough choices came up she always said that dad buried his head in the sand. He said he didn’t want to upset anyone. According to mum he genuinely believed nobody could dislike him. Even his own mother said he would defend the devil. Intransigent is a word I’d use.
DISPUTE IN OUR FAMILY BUSINESS
I think we siblings imagined we’d share everything equally when our parents died. There might be arguments about individual items of property but otherwise I expected equality. Had we thought about ownership of the business on dads death? It was the last thing on my mind. My only concern was getting my chronic depression better. You’d imagine that with my background I would know the law about wills! Unfortunately not! You need an expert. If you have the slightest vulnerability and are involved in an inheritance dispute of any value do find an expert.
If it relates to a family business as mine was then don’t sell yourself down the river you need independent from advice
What was David thinking? Was he expecting to have the whole business for himself? He’d obviously have considered it. Normally when a parent dies their property is shared fairly between the children. Not so with dads will because even his solicitor said it was unfair. Dad meant it to be ‘temporary’ until negotiations were over. David however wanted full ownership of Wainwrights the moment dad died. The ‘temporary’ will did that so the negotiations were a sham. Whose idea was the will? David couldn’t lose! Had he wanted to be fair he could’ve have agreed to buy me out at a discount! We would both have had a clean break and I could’ve bought a shop and no longer have been on my knees.
Having lost mum a few years earlier this was an upsetting time for me to say the least. Once lawyers were involved I was left on one side with David & Alison on the other. Stephen as executor had his own views while Sandra and husband Ian had theirs. It was a tragic way for the family to end up but should never have happened.
I think using my mental illness against me illustrates that they would sink to the lowest depth. To try and portray me to my father and others as mentally unbalanced is extreme. I can prove them wrong by asking local people to have their say in the matter. I have nothing to hide and I challenge them to an open debate. First, the three of us each obtain psychiatric reports. My case is obvious but I have never read a single word from them about this matter of their own making. I say they are completely lacking in morals and cannot deny anything I have said against them here or elsewhere. If they can’t do that then they must explain how they propose compensating me for my losses.
I’ve written about the part I played in our family business Wainwright & Sons Ltd. I hope the Princes Risborough shop staff and customers will compare it to what they’ve heard behind my back. I was never going to let them get away with blaming my bipolar for leaving. There was no possibility that I could work with David. I stand by everything I’ve said and there’s more if necessary. He said I couldn’t do anything about it.
Good example of how bipolar one deals with things Apparently cant take pressure but that’s another lie
The last time I set foot in the shop was when David threatened to stop my salary. While we argued in front of everyone he suddenly accused me of hitting dad in the face! He must have been desperate to think of something shocking to say. His accusation was unforgivable. Some of the staff had gone into hiding but ‘Robert’ and ‘Pam’ were keen to support David. Pam told me not to embarrass myself and was hushed up just as she was explain about dads will! I wouldn’t achieve anything further there so I left. David had refused a reconciliation. Never in my life have I been violent even if angry. I’ve got a loud voice which has always been an effective deterrent.
Dads funeral was the unhappiest experience of my life. Noone knew my side of the story having heard it all from David. I was on my own. No sooner had I arrived at the wake Judy Coles from Naphill and her husband Peter accosted me! They had an old grievance against Wainwrights which they used to harangue me in support of David. Former shop manager and family friend Colin Clarke of Virginia Water ignored me. He’d been taken in by what David had decided to tell him. I’d kept confidential things private and above board from the start. Ironically my honesty left me in an impossible position. From the time I began working on my own business from home David and Alison were running me down to the Wainwrights staff. Their main weapon was my bipolar as well as anything negative they could fabricate against me! Leaving the wake I saw Davids friend Chris Bailey. Rarely have I seen anyone look so stressed. Their mutual friend R C had been Alisons boyfriend until she went “gold digging” after David. David asked his friend if he could take his girlfriend out! What could the young man say to such a heartless request? RC took it so badly that he emigrated to Australia.
I know what’s said about me since I stopped working for Wainwrights but at all times my behaviour was above reproach.. Most local people will have heard rumours which I’ve done my best to put straight here. The one and only reason I left Wainwrights was because of Davids inferiority complex. His main jealousy seemed to be that customers liked me more than him. Unfortunately he allowed his resentment to turn to hatred. He made it impossible for me to work with him amicably. I put the interests of the business before my own. That made things easy for David but in return he did the opposite. There was no need for his continued bitterness because I was out of the way. He had sole control and could have brought things to a peaceful conclusion. He should own up to his dishonesty. I made a mistake listening to the lawyers advice not to proceed against David.