BiPolar Good Stigma Bad

Mental Health Memoir by former Solicitor Chris Wainwright

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Welcome to my memoire. Over a century ago my grandfather began a shoe repairing business which once had three shops selling ladies mens and childrens footwear. I was a proud member of the family. Until I left school I never wore anything on my feet that wasn’t from Wainwrights. I often worked in the shops and have some amusing stories but right now I want to deal with something much more serious. As I got older in Princes Risborough I was increasingly recognised as a Wainwright. I got used to that and all was well until I was affected by bipolar mental illness which ran in the family. I wondered why I inherited the gene and not one of my siblings. Maybe it was because I was the eldest. Ashamed of my 'disorder' for years I hid it for fear of being shunned. If you're newly diagnosed with the same condition hiding it is up to you. It's not a straightforward decision. Many people who should know better are influenced by stigma and frightened of people with bipolar for no other reason. Despite the myths and misleading articles there's no more risk of harm from bipolars than anyone else. I've never heard of an incident where a bipolar assaulted anyone owing to their illness. I regard myself as in perfect working order. I use my commonsence and take my meds. The misbeliefs surrounding bipolar are pathetic and create 'stigma'. It's those exaggerated claims that cause the trouble and you'll see them on page 1 of your search results if you search for 'BiPolar Disorder'

 

I've written this article in an attempt to help the increasing number of campaigners and speakers on the subject and to help people who may feel discouraged because of their diagnosis. There are people I know who continue to avoid me because of my bipolar history. When someone reacts like that it's fear. If it wasn't for the stigma my illness would have been far easier to manage. Bipolar disorder stigma is the enemy but they say things are improving. If that's true would I be treated better now than when it all happened?

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Here are some of the topics I'll talk about:-
 

bipolar depression and mania (the main symptoms when untreated).
My manic episode and defence of automatatism
My arrest by armed police and a substandard detective inspector

How my solicitor employers treated me like a criminal
My fairweather friends who laughed at me

My good friends who stood by me
About good and bad people and the difference it makes in mental illness

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My sense of humour wasn't much help when my mental health began to break down. Before then anyone in my shoes would have expected a successful future. I’d come to terms with an irrepairable ACL knee injury picked up in the army. I was a serious sportsman and it came as a blow. Little did I know but there was worse to come. It took my gps 14 years to refer me to 'expert' psychiatrists for diagnosis. What on earth had they been thinking in the meantime! Those lost years had grave repercussions. They caused my resignation from my solicitors position in High Wycombe. I actually thought the legal work was causing my depression. Had the doctors been honest from the beginning I could have carried on or chosen the sales career I had planned. I'd considered running a wine importation business using my French. Most people knew I wanted my own company. Only my father thought the law a good idea. As it was I did well in the law which is why Richard and Stephen offered me a partnership in High Wycombe. Running my own sales company would have made an ideal career! All along my doctors knew exactly what was wrong - it was obvious. I should have been informed. I would have saved a lot of hardshipThe doctors decision not to disclose my bipolar to me was disastrous. I hate to think how much I've lost emotionally and financially. The internet wasn’t available at the time so I was totally reliant on my GPs. I had no idea what was causing the symptoms. My anxiety and extreme low moods over such a long period destroyed my character. I became a different person who didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Often during those periods of illness I had no interest in life and the anti-depressant tablets of the day were hopeless. I was constantly preoccupied with worry, extreme embarrassment, feeling trapped in a hopeless existence. Apart from periods of recovery between the depressions I doubted if I would ever get well! There was nothing I could do to make myself feel better. I'd been a ‘get back in the saddle’ type and believed myself resilient. I'd always been fit, had propped at rugby for 6 consecutive years for Bucks Schoolboys, excelled at most sports, passed Sandhurst and had a very positive thumbs up from my Yorkshire Infantry Battalion colonel for a five year commission and payment through university. Over those 14 pre-diagnosis years I had three depressions and a manic episode which the medics said was an 'emotional reaction'. After diagnosis however and on the correct meds I was back to my old self except for the shame. Even then I was hardly full of the joys of spring with my past history and with having to hide bipolar. It kept me from seeing old friends in the army and on the farm in France. It wasn't a great surprise when I recently found out I have PTSD resulting from the various traumas. I'm receiving EDMR treatment from an excellent private practitionerI hope my recovery will reassure people who have lost confidence because of bipolar. I hid my illness for three decades thinking myself inferior. It was a personal breakthrough when I worked out that if I didn't open up I would never be happy with myself. The realisation made a big difference to my self respect. I thought it would be therapeutic if I went back to tennis. Unfortunately I had an issue with the local club which set the ball rolling. Three members including the chairman and secretary were being unfair. I'd got so used to doubting myself that I nearly threw the towel in! They'd broken important rules of sport and I knew they were wrong. 25 years after my official bipolar diagnosis I made a start on standing up for myself. Before bipolar I'd always fought my own corner and been able to stand up for myself! When I saw unfairness I would always help the victim rather than look away. Taking on the tennis club was the start of getting myself back on the right track. It's healthy to doubt yourself but not when you're certain of your mind.

 

​​I had a good start in life as the eldest of Jim and Audrey Wainwrights four children. Dad and his two older brothers owned Wainwright & Sons Risborough Ltd with three Buckinghamshire shoe shops. They’d been given the business by my grandfather Albert who had to leave the family in unfortunate but not uncommon circumstances. Attitudes at the time made life awkward but my grandmother and boys worked their way through it. They didn't need telling that shoe repairing was hard work. That was their motivation to develop the retail side. Dad, the youngest, had been the stitcher at the Station Road shop. He told me he used to pray that something would happen to relieve him from the monotony. In a painful way it did. It took him out of the repair shop and into retail. I often saw him with staff and customers. He always looked to be enjoying his work and likened it to a reataurant head waiter with his staff! The technique worked well. He was there for advice not being tied down and able to move around the shop. He put his customers at ease with his relaxed manner and humour. The work was demanding but profitable. Customers had a first class service which I copied and adopted to fit myself​Working in the shop one Saturday, I was about 13, I asked dad if I could join the business. I well remember his reply;- “ Yes boy if you can’t find anything better”. I was disappointed, but knew he had 'higher' expectations of me. If the subject came up at home he and mum would remind me that the shops would ‘never be enough for me’. The fact was I always felt happy in the shop chatting and serving. Many years later Dads accountant, Don Cranford, of Jones & Watsham, Aylesbury, told his secretary that dad had shoe-horned me into the law which was how I came to be a solicitor. All along selling was my ambition. By then however I’d begun to see how the law could help people. I enjoyed school at Princes Risborough Primary and Aylesbury Grammar. The first left me with a profound dislike of the 11 plus system which divided friends and classmates. You were assessed on a single test and the head teachers opinion. Great if you passed but if you didn’t you were off to the inferior local secondary school. Telling a youngster that they weren’t good enough is appalling. It should be a priority to make a fairer system! Sadly those with the power don't have an incentive because they can afford £40,000 pa or so to send their own for private education.​

 

At Aylesbury Grammar I was involved in most activities from public speaking, drama, cricket, rugby, hockey to  rifle shooting. Despite smoking and drinking honed to perfection with my friend Chris at Princes Risborough Cricket Club I was made head boy. Confident, outgoing and a 'peoples' person I was mature for my years and often referred to as a 'chip off the old block'. Much of that confidence I picked up at the shop serving customers and listening to dad who could talk for England. With my experience and as the eldest of four I never worried about being in charge. When I left Aylesbury Grammar I had a gap year with the Army as an undergraduate second lieutenant on a short service limited commission. Never before or since have I enjoyed paid employment so much. After passing a 3 day officer selection course I had an 8 month commission with a regular unit. I could write a book about that alone. In truth I was on trial so the army could decide if I was worth investing in. People laugh at at the brevity but it's amazing how much you learn. When your hearts really in it you don't forget it while most don't know infantry soldiering at all. From my youngest years grandad used to share some of his WW2 memories as a POW in Changi Jail. He had joined the Royal Engineers at 14 as a boy soldier and retired as Major. Years later I found out he never spoke about his incarceration to anyone but me. If I hadn’t snapped my knee I would almost certainly have taken up the army's offer of a five year commission after 3 years paid university. Dad rarely admitted it but he didn't like conscription with the Royal Army Ordinance Corp. Grandad called them 'The Rag and Oil Company' and joked that his son in law might've been in charge of pencils. There's great rivalry between army units but every soldier knows they rely on one another. It only needs one broken link to break the strongest chain. Grandad Titmuss made a big impression on me. A great cricket devotee he often talked about the good and bad and that "when the one Great Umpire in the Sky comes to mark against your name it's not what you'd won or lost but how you played the game"

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