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Excerpt from In my Wainwrights Shoes  

Guilty but Innocent Shameful Bipolar Conspiracies
By Chris Wainwright,

2. Guilty but Innocent

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At university I overdid the social life and had to miss a year and resit the exams. When I returned the following year I found that for the first time in my life I was feeling nervous. Not only that but I was gradually losing my confidence and the feeling got increasingly worse. I was preoccupied and worried about almost everything I could think of. A serious depression set in and affected me badly. Absolutely bewildered I went round friends asking if they could think of what might be the cause! My theory was that it was to do with studying law but whatever I did nothing seemed to help. An AGS schoolfriend came to see me and stayed in my room at Villiers Hall overnight. I don’t remember a single thing about his visit except for waking up in the morning deeply depressed. To put it bluntly I didn’t want to get up and face the day. I wished I could just disappear on my own until I felt better. I don’t even remember my friend leaving. I was in such a sorry state he would’ve guessed I was probably having some sort of nervous breakdown. He must’ve been shaken up by the incident but I was still surprised not to hear from him again. 

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Having broken down in a big way the only place I felt safe was back at home in Princes Risborough with mum and dad. I  was in such a state I could barely find my way through the London underground! I was the complete opposite of who I’d always been. Friends said I was the last person they'd expect to have anything like that. I was surprised to hear later that some students in Villiers Hall were glad I was quiet for once. With my retail background being friendly was in my DNA. Nobody warned me that some people my age might be envious! SSRIs weren’t available at the time and Dr A from my home surgery prescribed the antidepressants of the day. He said people sometimes went abroad until 'such things' passed. I thought he meant for the weather but didnt realise at the time he meant to avoid the social stigma. During that time I was hospitalised after taking an overdose of tablets and whisky out of desparation. By coincidence my first school best friend’s sister was a nurse on the ward. Considering the shameful circumstances (as perceived at the time) I remember how discreet she was. Dad kept a lookout out for customers to give them a wide berth. Having a busy shop in the middle of the high street meant he'd be spotted when out.

 

My GPs suggested a private psychiatrist in Aylesbury. I visited Dr S who said I had an "emotional" problem and that I was too reliant on my father. I thought it a strange thing to say when who else would I turn to in a mess other than my parents? Surely that was natural enough at my age! My first impression when I met the psychiatrist was not good. I'd always met challenges head on without running to anyone else! I always fought my own battles but now I was being treated like a child but in no position to contradict this important man. Sat at his office desk with an anglepoise lamp obscuring his face it reminded me of an old-fashioned psychiatric scene. Dr S didn’t make any sense and even wanted me to write him when I got back to uni. I thought it patronising to say the least. He couldn’t explain why I’d been upbeat my whole life but suddenly became the complete opposite. 30 months earlier I’d been an infantry platoon commander but in those pre-internet days I was in the dark. I didn’t have the slightest idea what was wrong and was in the hands of someone I didn’t know. I was brought up to trust authority figures and it's a pity that straight talking 3 Platoon Sargeant Fuller wasn't there for advice!

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LAW SCHOOL
I eventually recovered and graduated with a 2ii. I spent 6 months at law school preparing for the Solicitors Exams. I’d taken lecture notes in my time but this was another world. At the end of one of the first classes an old university friend was waiting for me. Jerry and I were out one evening when I met a lovely divorcee who was a French teacher. Jane and I had a lot in common and decided to became engaged a few months later. My parents were upset. Apparently mum had been crying herself to sleep or at least that’s what dad told me! 

ARTICLED CLERK 2nd BREAKDOWN

After law school I planned to find myself a marketing job in industry. Dad, bless him, had other ideas and refused to finance me any further. He knew an Aylesbury solicitor who’d impressed him one day by wearing a sombrero into his shop. Given a better education Dad believed he’d have made a good lawyer! He returned from the phone saying he'd arranged an interview with the firm for me. In no time at all I was working as an apprentice solicitor at their branch office in Newport Pagnell. That was the end of my hopes for a career in sales! It wasn’t precisely what I wanted but I had no say. I was well accustomed to take dads word as final.

 

I needed two years in ‘Articles’ to practice as a solicitor. I made a good start. After a year my boss AB said I could 'make a name for myself' by opening up a new branch office for the firm. Unfortunately a second breakdown began and got steadily worse. I think it was roughly 2-3 weeks before it affected me so badly that it was impossible to work. Nobody could’ve forced me out of bed let alone out of the house. As with my first breakdown I became profoundly depressed. All I wanted was to be left on my own until I felt better. I had no idea it was in any way linked to the first breakdown and I had to ask for time off work. If anyone thinks they could work through anything like it they’re mistaken. Forget about strength of mind, willpower and ‘working through it’ - there comes a stage where it doesn’t work. The closest to a serious depression might be profound grief, You can’t tell anyone who’s lost their dearest loved one to ‘pull themselves together’.

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My boss wrote to complain. I had the impression he thought it a put-on. Under pressure I returned to work on those dreadful old-style anti-depressants. I woke up very early one morning unusually full of life and went off for a run. I’d not done anything like it before! It was the beginning of my first and only manic episode. I didn’t feel unusual in any way. It never crossed my mind that I was super-excited or over the top. I had absolutely no idea that my behaviour was any different or that I was heading towards a state of elation.

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MANIC EPISODE & 'AUTOMATISM'

 

I'd taken the train to go and visit Jane. Unsurprisingly my behaviour attracted a lot of attention. Looking back after the event it was as if I was acting out a dream without knowing that I was in the real world. If anyone had tried to tell me I had something wrong I wouldn't have taken any notice. I was experiencing a full blown phase of a manic episode which our legal system calls 'automatism'. If anyone I knew had seen me they'd have known I had a serious problem. I was arrested at the station by armed police. I’d been fooling about with a starting pistol pointing it at trains. I can very dimly remember the night before thinking it'd be funny if I pretended to be a special agent. I’d also taken some cash from the railway carriage buffet car to teach them a lesson not to keep banknotes in a plastic cup. I accept it now but still find it incredible that I could’ve lost the plot to that extent! What made things worse was my shooting background and my strict insistence on weapons safety and protocol! After the episode I came back to reality and the shock was so severe I handed in my Firearms Certificate and sold my treasured Anschutz .22 target rifle. Taking a starting pistol out in public is an invitation to be shot by the police. That I'd done so told me that I’d completely lost my senses. It’s for good reason bipolar 1 is known as a cruel illness. Other people with the illness will have had similar embarrassing experiences and been horrified later by what their manic self had got up to. If they can prove automatism I'd urge them to accept that they weren't responsible for their actions. Had they been on lithium or other mood stabilizer the manic episode would never have taken place.

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After all that trauma I was stuck with a vindictive Detective Inspector. The man was a joker. He made sure I was charged with theft charge and that it wasn’t dropped. Apparently I'd been larking about, acting stupidly, jumping on the counter, and then leaning over to grab the cash. He knew perfectly well that I was ill but found it so funny he was determined to send my case to trial. The DI was reprimanded by the Bench after acquittal. I wouldn’t wish a manic episode on my worst enemy! Mine caused me and my parents enough stress and anxiety to last a lifetime! Years later I found out that many bipolars only ever have one episode! I was 24 and had a great deal of difficulty coming to terms with what had happened. I was told that I wasn't to blame but it still took me many years to accept that. Once again my doctors insisted it was an emotional problem and nothing to do with bipolar. The psychiatrist wrote a report for the court which was never shown to me. Why was that? Please don’t say it was for my own good! Thankfully I had a top north Bucks solicitor to represent me.

 

After my acquittal following the trial Horwood and James 'allowed' me to finish my articles. Their reluctance to have me back was all too obvious. I hadn’t done anything wrong apart from having an illness but they carried on as if I'd been a convict. Up to that point I’d been unfailingly conscientious and worked to a high standard. Nonetheless those ‘leading’ Aylesbury solicitors treated me as though I was a criminal. They made me share an office with one of the partners because they didn’t trust me on my own without supervision. They said I shouldn’t be taking any medication but they knew from Dr S that I’d had a manic episode resulting from bipolar disorder which should’ve been diagnosed and medicated at that point! They insisted I leave their employment no later than the very last day my articles expired. Nothing was put in writing it was all word of mouth. My opinion of people began to change. I’d have had better treatment working as a shoe shine than I did with those solicitors. I remember them well. How many of them were involved I don’t know? None showed any concern but that’s what happens when you’re damaged by mental illness. I would point out that I was raised by my parents with a strict code of good manners. My parents expected moral decency at all times. Anyone could see from my CV that I'd made a flying start in life but innocent throughout I was considered guilty. Nobody from School or university thought to cheer me up but they'd all heard what had happened and that I'd had a manic episode!!

If anything similar happened again how would a top firm of solicitors react? Perhaps I need to use my own experience! Working at the Newport Pagnell branch office one day I overheard AB chuckling on the phone about an employee 'still spilling his tea on the stairs'. I realised I wasn't the only one with nervous difficulties. At any one time there must be hundreds of men and women lawyers in the country with bipolar disorder or similar mental illnesses. Do their employers offer help and support or do they try to 'wash their hands' of them? Mental illness can occur at any stage in life and will destroy a career overnight unless procedures are available for their protection. Having been there I’d like to know that there are safeguards in place. Do the law society help at all?

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My fiancee helped with me throughout my manic episode and subsequent depression. She was there along with my parents at the magistrates court trial. I've never forgotten her kindness which was in stark contrast to my friends. We lived in France for several months when she spent a year in the south teaching English. My parents had made their displeasure very clear so I picked an argument as an excuse and walked out. I should have told her the real reason. It played on my conscience for years until I was able to make a sincere apology. We can have as many male friends as we like even if they’re useless. I know women are far more sincere!

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