50 Years BiPolar 1 Never Felt Better

 Illness Stigma Family Friends Careers, Life Lessons
In my Wainwrights Shoes Memoir By Chris Wainwright,

2. Explaining my Bipolar 1 

​

When I was a boy one of our relatives used to say that there was “madness in the Wainwright family”. It had to be a reference to my dear uncle Ken. He was a legend, far from mad, but unique with a perceptive sense of humour. He liked people, never took himself seriously and if circumstances permitted could entertain an audience. If he had a failing it was over-familiarity. To put it another way he was too friendly which can often be a fault if you are a retailer and enjoy serving customers. For some reason people aren't inclined to respect a friendly disposition as much as a serious one. At 22 however that was the least of my worries - I had my first major depression at university and I didn’t associate it with an illness running in our family. I was totally bewildered by what was happening to put it mildly. Before I go on I'll explain that everyone is completely different when ill. We're the same person when experiencing bipolar as we are when we get 'flu. People with the same/similar illnesses react differently according to their genetic composition. We have to accept that different treatments work for some but not others. Trial and error can be expected but if not the first attempt something will work in time.

 

At university I was told that I had something 'emotional'. I suspect the medics knew it was more than that. It was 14 years later that I was finally referred to 'experts' who were honest enough to tell me the truth. I don't subscribe to the popular assertion that bipolar is difficult to diagnose. A GP with say 10 years experience will be on notice after an examination.  Todays experts emphasise that early diagnosis is essential for the best prospects of a full recovery. It makes sense to me!

 

Research and developments are progressing quickly. Maybe we'll get an explanation how bipolar passes down the family line and why one sibling rather than another gets affected. Scientific knowledge is much better than it was but there's still a long way to go. That's also true of our archaic attitudes which are more deeply embedded than those in  authority tell us. It also worries me that leading experts disagree about so many important subjects. Not that many years  ago anyone badly affected by mental illness was confined to an asylum. Treatments for bipolar illness (or disorder) have certainly improved beyond that. I count myself lucky to have a medication that suits me and a fair number of people who understand that I'm normal. The diagnosis took far too long and I wonder if I'll ever get an honest explanation for why that happened. 

 

I had my fair share of sports injuries over the years. They came in handy as topics of conversation which was hardly the case with bipolar 1! We know how badly many people react to the label. It used to be the same for cancer when it was the ‘c’ word but thanks to developments and TV exposure the disease is no longer taboo! Things take time to change but stigma is without doubt bipolar's No1 enemy. It spreads lies and its affect on people is worse than the actual symptoms which can now be controlled so well noone would know. There's more than enough public ignorance and prejudice around to make people like me extremely vulnerable. Unless you’ve been there it's impossible to understand how that feels. You may be the best person in the world but once you're known for having bipolar 1 it will be used against you at some stage or other. If you disagree with that then I'll be overjoyed that you can prove me wrong. TV isn't much use as a source of information. The nearest they get is a join the dots exercise where soap opera characters with bipolar 1 do something OTT. Imagine you take a liking to someone only to learn they have bipolar! Will you drop them? My GPs and psychdocs never touched on the subject but how can they ignore such a vitally important subject.

​

Approximately 3% of the worlds population have Bipolar. It’s more than likely you know someone with it unless they are able to keep it private. On the whole they’re of above average intelligence. Once diagnosed and properly medicated you wouldn’t know it unless they opened up. They will be perfectly stable and able to hold a professional career. I don't have stats for how many individuals keep their bipolar secret but it's the only way to be sure the illness isn't held against them. The slightest whiff of even mild depression on the board of any FTSE company goes down like a lead balloon in the City. By comparison self-employed people in suitable businesses are far more secure! Frankly a bipolar disorder as it's often called shouldn't matter once the illness is stable.

 

I've thought carefully about practical ways to reduce bipolar stigma as well as other mental illnesses. At the moment the favourite approach seems to be talking to people in the hope of educating them. The problem is of course that if they aren't affected themselves they're unlikely to be interested. Changing their mindsets will be difficult. Look at the problem black people have with prejudice and discrimination even though they're protected by legislation! It's obvious that something more is needed to shift negative opinions! I noticed during 2025 that TV is making more of an effort with racial integration. Talking might work for the open-minded but how about the majority stuck in their rut? Anything too-serious won't make an impact so what about humour? Given my background 'fair comment' and 'poetic justice' appeals to me. I always found that you could turn the tables on an abusive remark with a witty response! We can't change bad luck completely but we can do our best to help stop unfairness. Many young boys my age used to sit with their cap guns watching goodies and baddies in Hollywood Westerns. Justice and fair play was a huge part of my moral code! I've never done anything seriously wrong but having bipolar 1 made me feel guilty! Physically I look alright but I'm damaged inside! As I said lots of people don't know what bipolar is so I'll always explain. If they're disparaging I might challenge them to compare themselves with me and decide who's better! It's an interesting way of dealing with mental illness stigma! 

​

If you you're properly medicated and bipolar 1 with a stable track record you can be proud because it does need discipline. More and more celebrities are not afraid to go public. Each individual case is as different as our fingerprints so you need to be sure your circumstances suit ‘opening up’. Do your research online, consult your doctor/support group/people you trust. I've felt much easier not hiding but I don't have an employer who might be affected. Sometimes I remind people that before diagnosis I had three major depressions and a manic episode over fourteen years under three GPs and a psychiatrist. They knew I had bipolar but didn't tell me even though I risked suicide. I'll be surprised if that doesn't still happen! They were experienced professionals and I've never had an explanation for what they did. My case was obvious:- I should have been diagnosed ASAP and on specialist meds from the outset. Everyone affected by bipolar must know that the best outcome is by an early diagnosis. GPs should only need a short window - when a patient in late teens/early twenties with no previous symptoms suddenly becomes deeply depressed then bipolar must be suspected.

 

SOLICITORS
Employers have a duty to look after their staff. That included me during those fobbed-off 14 years when I was employed by two firms of solicitors. They both knew I was ill with bipolar so why did they pretend they didn't? The answer of course was that they expected to be able to get away with it and not have to employ someone with a mental illness! The Equality Act 2010 gives some legal protection today but I haven't had time to research the law as it applied then. I would like to ask those solicitors how they'd treat me today compared to then? At the time I needed professional support and an expert psychiatrist. Instead they got rid of me like a hot potato which amounted to self-serving abuse. The Aylesbury psychiatrist whose opinion I'd always doubted knew I'd had a manic episode but pretended it was an emotional 'turn' not requiring medication. He was plausible with his waffle and gruff manner but despite my suspicions I was too young and inexperienced to even consider asking to replace him. Wherever I look today I find stigmatized claims about bipolar 1 mental illness. It’s often said you’ll be more likely to be violent if you have it. That’s absolute rubbish. Even if you’re depressed or going through a manic episode such a statement is gravely wrong. You'll be the same character you were before the bipolar symptoms began.

​

​I reached the point where I began to feel more like my old self but realised I had to rebuild my ego. My confidence and self-belief had suffered badly. I’d had some CBT on the NHS which had been very helpful but the stigma of my bipolar 1 label was still a major problem. Self-conscious and often looking over my shoulder I was still ashamed of my illness. I knew I had to sort it out but it had taken me years to admit what had happened. I'd probably been in denial blotting out my shameful feelings of failure with alcohol and comfort foods. They of course left me even more dissatisfied because of my weakness giving in to it. As an add-on I was aware of harbouring an undercurrent of anger. My girls confronted me about my behaviour and opened my eyes to the reality. They’d tolerated my moods while they could but they’d had enough and wanted to see change. My eldest daughter bore the brunt of it and our youngest also heard my angry bursts fuelled by alcohol. You will understand how I feel about that but I hadn't been diagnosed and drinking was my answer.  I was reasonably sound in mind but was constantly dwelling on my bad luck and struggling to find a way to fix myself. It hit me that if I didn't make myself move I'd deteriorate. I couldn't change what had happened but using some basic psychology I was able to improve my attitude. By process of elimination I worked out ways I might be able to restore some of my original self-esteem. Noone had ever explained that bipolar stigma would significantly affect me although it was predictable. It stood to reason that if I wanted to feel better I had to counteract it. Just because the damage wasn’t my fault it didn't follow that anyone would be able to heal me. I realised that I had to try and improve things by myself. I was on good medication and free of symptoms but in all probability I’d surrended to the ravages of stigma. If I'd known earlier that all I needed was to have more confidence in myself I could probably have practiced as a solicitor again.

 

Why did stigma affect me so badly?

The primary reason is that prejudice is deeply embedded in societies throughout the world. It's difficult to avoid let alone overcome. Noone will own up to mental illness prejudice just as they won't admit to racism. Another reason is that when I was diagnosed stigma landed me such a sucker punch it hit like a hammer. I was taking the illness so seriously that it made everything much worse than it was. If I could've accepted the label easily rather than torture myself I would have been free of anxiety. I was always an open book and had been brought up to be frank with people I met. Keeping a secret was not natural and it made life difficult! Everyone was a potential customer and if I wasn't sociable that would never do. In my early years Dad was hyper-critical with me. He warned me never to smile when I went on the shop floor in case customers thought I was laughing at them. He often said (however well I'd done) that I could always have done better. It was his perfectionist streak to the Nth degree! He was a preacher not a disciplinarian and I was never frightened to admit to doing anything wrong. On the other hand I always knew that I was expected to get it right first time. I'd been well and truly indoctrinated by both parents so it always felt natural! I'm similar now but only if I decide the job merits it. If you have had a conscience drummed into you it's difficult to lie, even to yourself. If you're honest to a fault there's no refuge in kidology. Sales patter is different but I'd never use it to decieve. Having been brought up by proud perfectionists dad in particular had me up on a pedestal. I was good talking material for dad with shop customers until my breakdowns began and bipolar disorder hadn't been diagnosed. As I've explained the psychiatrist and doctors decided not to tell me. Once I knew potentially I was at a disadvantage. Stigma will get patients down so the GPs are under pressure to let them work it out for themselves. I’d love to know how experts like Professor Geddis suggest how they handle the problem! I can imagine that before his retirement he and his colleagues at the Warneford must feel torn between the two. It’s like running the risk of teaching people to swim by throwing them in at the deep end. 

 

Stigma, stigma and more stigma! It's non-stop and never far away! It reared its ugly head recently in a place you'd least expect! I’d had an extremely successful knee replacement at the Chiltern hospital within the NHS. Discharged within 24 hours and completely pain-free I was able to move around swiftly on my crutches. I’d had my other knee replaced 20 years before. The pain was excruciating. I'd been hospitalised for ten days and saw grown men reduced to tears. This new knee was incredible! I can't praise surgeon Sam McElroy enough he is outstanding. I hadn't noticed the anesthetist but she later saw me in a group after the op' having a laugh and a joke. In front of everyone she marched up to me and proclaimed, "You're manic"! Taken aback I assured her very calmly and politely that she was wrong. She’d seen ‘bipolar’ on my notes and jumped to the wrong conclusion. Realising she’d made a fool of herself she walked off speechless. Had she apologised we could have laughed it off but she didn't. As a former solicitor I knew I had a case for slander but decided to write a letter of complaint. The Chiltern hospital expected me to fill-in various forms under the pretence of 'procedure'. I dispensed with that because it's part of the wearing down process. I would advise anyone with a claim for medical negligence to say or do nothing for the hospital until they've spoken to their solicitor. If they don't have one then ask around or Google for medical negligence and the operation type. From the point you suspect an error by the consultant and hospital they are going to be against you once they know. All I wanted to know was whether or not the aneathestist Nightinggale would be honest about her slander. It was an open and shut case with witnesses but regardless she refused to accept any fault. What she did was to obfuscate and lie. If a hospital consultant does that they expect to be able to get away with it. How will she cover up her next mistake? She saw me laughing and wrongly assumed I was manic. She's in the wrong job for assumptions. Her aneasthetist job's about knowing exactly. Ms Nightingale was prepared to lie so as to avoid an apology. What was it she hoped to gain by that?  

 

ATTITUDES

Many professionals think that most people have some form of mental health issue or other! The most accurate test of a persons mental health is how they get on with people on a day to day basis. Very soon after diagnosis my bipolar 1 was properly treated and I managed to save our shoe shop at Beaconsfield from closing and managed the branch for many years. No one outside the family knew about my illness unless I'd told them. I had to leave Wainwright & Sons Ltd in order to keep the peace. By all accounts some of the customers regarded me as an icon. They liked me because I looked after them. It was my living but I got satisfaction from serving and making sales. There was never any messing about I was always up front you've only to ask former members of staff. Yes I do have a mood illness but the meds control it and I've been stable for years. My attitude is simple:- if you doubt me then compare yourself and ask who's better. If you're confident we can find an audience to judge! The stigma today barely affects me because I know that I'm as good if not better than anyone.

 

It may sound big headed but that's what I want. There are 1000s of people like me who should be able to ignore the shackles of bipolar stigma and be proud. Brains are extremely complex but they are our control centre. We still need to discover precisely how everything works. In the meantime we take things step by step counting ourselves lucky to have medications. My eldest daughter has had MS for several years but we were delighted to hear last week that a cure seems to be on its way. Mental issues and personality disorders are widespread. Bipolar is just a part. Judge people by how they present not by rumours.

Noone today should need to feel awkward to talk openly about their mental health. If you show that you're confident it sets a good example to others. Men would do well to learn from women - they still lag behind because they don't have the  confidence. My own family and friends aren’t afraid to talk honestly. I occasionally try to get conversations going but it’s still common for people to clam up because they're not used to trusting others with their private doubts and worries. People often have thoughts they'd never share with anyone else. As a former lawyer I was used to discussing difficult subjects so it isn't hard for me now. Discretion is vital of course but anyone with commonsence knows to respect privacy. Most of us know someone with a mental health problem which they obviously don't deserve. Does anyone look down on them thinking they’re substandard? Ignorant people might but they’re a small minority and usually lacking in themselves. The fact is that it shouldnt matter because adverse times do the rounds. Hardship befalls most of us eventually and accepting it as inevitable is a good approach. In the long run we must be grown up. Until recently I kept my own bipolar 1 hidden for fear of being considered inferior. The thought of mentioning my issues in public filled me with horror. How would you react if you were in my shoes? 

​

MYTHS v FACTS

​

My earlier example of the stigmatised aneasthetist is just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously doctors mostly treat patients with consideration and respect. It took me years to accept my mental illness so being accused of instability came as a shock. I'd never make allegations especially in front of people! Bipolar is an easy target. To put it bluntly any stigmatized person who knows you have the illness can say anything they like about you. Whether it's that you're lively, dull, loud or quiet, attractive, plain, witty or slow - they can link anything to your illness! If you think you've been made a target unfairly you may be able to complain instead of putting up with it. Discuss things first with family or friends you know you can rely on. I've always hated bullying and try to stop it or warn people when I can.
​

 

I’ve been in good mental health and ‘stable’ since my diagnosis in 1991 and before. Like any sensible individual I take my prescribed medication without fail. I’m extra diligent because people know I have bipolar and I should set an example! Why is it then that on the internet people misrepresent the illness? Search for 'BiPolar Disorder' and you'll get all manner of incorrect claims and assertions. Bona fide medical websites when you find them provide accurate details and reassurance such as;- “Diagnosed and properly medicated anyone with bipolar disorder can lead a normal life free from depression and manic episodes”. Why then do people scaremonger? You’ll come across discussion pages where patients write about their experiences. The headers are often made with eye-catching titles known as click-bait. Like the old wild west you have to be careful if you're drawn in. On the other hand there are some reliable altruistic authors who have trustworthy experience and advice to pass on. You know how to avoid scammers so use the same approach for all your research and get reliable information.

​

DIAGNOSIS

​

Of all mental illnesses bipolar disorder is sometimes said to be the hardest to diagnose. As well as having symptoms in common with other disorders GPs are under pressure making reliable notes in the short time available. Consequently the tell-tale patterns of depression/mania/moods can be missed. A patient who's experienced a first depression should always be flagged-up. With only 10 minutes for the appointment doctors can be pushed to examine patients properly let alone reach a conclusion and annotate for future reference? If notes are too brief then bipolar illness indicators might be missed. The latest evidence shows conclusively that patients must be seen by a psychiatric expert as early in the illness as possible. The greater the delay the worse it can be for the patients and their careers alike. Recovery times take longer and hardly surprisingly the risk of suicide increases. As I said before I waited 14 years for my diagnosis and I’m still waiting to hear why it took so long. I've drawn my own conclusions as I'm entitled to. I suspect that's the way doctors prefer it.

​

 

 

​