50 Years BiPolar 1 Never Felt Better
Illness Stigma Family Friends Careers, Life Lessons
In my Wainwrights Shoes Memoir By Chris Wainwright,
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7. Finding Experts in Bipolar

Nobody in the NHS system mentioned that I might react badly to my bipolar 1 diagnosis but that's exactly what what my doctors expected. It was the very reason why they decided not to tell me. Instead of being honest they dragged it out and left me to drift for 14 years. There's an Army joke about breaking bad news gently but I never knew the doctors one about keeping it a secret! In the end I used my commonsense as we'd been instructed at Sandhurst. When the balloon goes up you trust your wits and reconnaissance. After I left the law and the shoe trade I haven't relied on anyone but myself unless I was sure of them. Everyone thought I wouldn't cope having a bipolar 1 label. I did however have inspiration. Grandfather and many other men survived adversity so why should I give in? My family and friends knew I'd have wanted to hear the 'honest' truth rightaway. My doctors should have immediately referred me to experts like Dr Jacintha McCann who I met 14 years later at the Warneford Hospital, Oxford.

In the end it took me many years to realise that stigma was mainly the root of my problem. In my shoes wouldn't you want to fight prejidice with anything that came to hand? As time passed it became even clearer that stigma was the main problem. I thought of different ideas about things that would help me. Trying not to be too serious was one. Perhaps I'd been overthinking and making things worse for myself than they really were? My present friends weren't worried about bipolar because they'd seen me often enough to know I was ok. I seemed to be the main person I had to convince! I doubted myself too much. I needed to believe I was perfectly well with bipolar. I therefore decided to experiment with some positive coaching methods from the sports world. I remembered being impressed by Andy Murrays remarkable progress just after Ivan Lendl started working with him some years ago. I've no idea precisely what he did but I remember his consistent improvement eventually got him to the top. Ivan Lendls method would've been based on confident self-belief. Perhaps that would work for me. I made every effort to think myself onto my front foot and not to accept doubt. If I genuinely believed in a positive outcome perhaps I could be a winner!

Searching the internet for advice about regaining confidence is fine but you must believe it will work for you. If you're reasonably well and just need a boost it's easy. If you're struggling you'll have to work harder. We all want to be confident and to be at our best it makes sense to ditch bad habits and be physically fit. It's not for me to lecture about living your life but any bad habits will hold you back. To improve or regain your form be patient, don’t force things but be determined to be better. Work out your strategy for keeping body and mind 'on song'. Do it regularly irrespective of how you feel and your mood will improve. Get into good habits and find strategies that work for you. Bipolar low moods can be stubborn at times but I help myself move them along by walking, exercising, cleaning, tidying, diy or anything to make me active. Reading a novel can be relaxing if you enjoy your material and can focus on it. If you're not taking anything in then your mind may have wandered off to a problem or your book isn't really of interest. Finding one that you can lose yourself in is the secret. As depression lifts concentration improves. If it doesn't then try coaxing yourself in short bursts or find another activity. The lowest mood can be treated. Your psychdoc is responsible for finding meds that suit you. Only by trial and error will you know they work.

Never forget to keep active and fit! If you do you'll keep your body going. If there's anything that's becoming an effort for you gradually try to rebuild your strength and make it easier. Some mornings I'm not a good starter! I think about doing something but instead of getting on with it I over-think! That's a big mistake because I start imagining it'll be an effort and that stops me getting on with it. My answer's simple. I force myself to make a start. Once I've got going I'm fine. It works for me everytime. Over-thinking is often counter-productive.

Work out some different floor exercises standing or laying on a mat or rug. See how many times you can comfortably do each one. Don't be too demanding of yourself otherwise you won’t keep them up! Sit down in a chair and then stand up is a straightforward starter when you're fairly unfit or lost enthusiasm. Look online for many more basic exercises and do them as often as suits you. Approached sensibly reasonable fitness is easy to achieve and will help your confidence in a big way. Don't buy rubbish food such as confectionery, cake and biscuits. Improve your self-image and make it last for life. Stop thinking about getting healthy just do it and get on. There’s a huge difference in thinking and doing. It took me years to understand. Be realistic and don’t try to be something you’ve never been. If like me you have bipolar you mustn't ignore it. Just because you’ve been stable for years don’t think that you’ll always be immune from its symptoms. There's a chance that medications may clash so be on the lookout. If you ever think that life isn't worth it then be honest with yourself and tell someone who can help. However bad you feel suicide will only cause misery. You must never doubt that you’ll feel better because   you definitely will.

There are things your psychiatrist won’t tell you but with experience and commonsense you can generally work them out. Stigma is the main one and I mention it often. Psychiatrists brush over it because they often don’t have much of an answer and don't want to depress you. They’ll have you believe that stigma is much better than it was but but there's no medication to make it go away. Unless anyone can think of a better solution I say fight it! Stigma won’t stop by itself and that's something I take very seriously

I never thought I'd find anything funny about bipolar but there's a saying that laughter's good medicine! Would making a joke about my 'shameful' illness make it easier and help me to come to terms with it? If there's one thing men find difficult it's laughing at themselves when the leg-pull is too near the mark! They’ll blow their tops if it is. With males ‘micky-taking’ has been a bonding mechanism for years. If you can’t take it you won't be one of the gang. No one jokes about my bipolar but I wish they did. I grew up with teasing and that sets me thinking it could be a way forward. There's a big difference between well meaning and spiteful. We've missed a trick by trying to be over protective.

Was I too hard on myself thinking that my bipolar 1 was a disaster or had I missed something! If I could find something humourous in my situation maybe I could laugh at myself and relax. What people can't handle is someone in distress because they don't know what to say or how to react. The positivity of well-intentioned humour can work. There were cognitive behavioural principles which I'd overlooked. I decided that I could fight stigma and make bipolar my strength. Instead of hiding and avoiding I could make my bipolar humorous. My pre-bipolar friends will recognise my attitude of old.

The internet has helped us massively. The majority of us with stable bipolar 1 mental illness are as good if not better than any person alive. Although I was knocked off my perch at 22 after an excellent run I still counted myself as very lucky. I had my parents support, my upbringing and my personality. I had my wonderful wife and beautiful daughters who I can't thank enough. They never wavered even during my difficult early years.


John Geddes MD, FRCPsych:-

I was sorry to read that Professor  John Geddes MD, FRC Psych has retired. When an expert goes on record it pays to listen. He recently referred to the mood stabiliser lithium as the ‘gold standard’ treatment for bipolar. Unfortunately he also added that NHS cut-backs have lead to a reduction in its use because of the cost of taking and monitoring blood tests. In its place doctors are prescribing cheaper but less effective alternatives. I couldn’t believe what I was reading! Will GPs be wanting me to switch? If it wasn’t for lithium I might not have regained my normal health again! If you have a medicated illness it’s obvious that you'll want the most effective drugs. You need to trial them first and hopefully the process won’t take you too long. Bipolar can be tough enough without bureaucrats pressing doctors to prescribe inferior meds in order to save money. Say the best quality cost 25% more than what you're offered. Would you be allowed to pay the extra to be sure of getting the best possible treatment?

People who have bipolar 1 should be able to access experts like Professor Geddes quickly for an opinion. Now retired from the Warneford we can only hope to hear more from him soon! The professor is better placed than almost anyone to advise about bipolar but I'd imagine he is in demand. For me obtaining expert advice is one of the main difficulties. Researching 'best treatments' often needs supplementary details to Google. Local surgeries aren't specialist enough. Couldn't the NHS have a dedicated bipolar questions and answers service by email/phone live and/or 24 hour? I'd expect the usual excuses but isn't it at least worth a trial!